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“This is without a doubt the most informative and useful book yet written on the subject of abusive men. Women who are armed with the insights found in these pages will be on the road to recovering control of their lives.”—Jay G. Silverman, Ph.D., Director, Violence Prevention Programs, Harvard School of Public Health
He says he loves you. So…why does he do that?
You’ve asked yourself this question again and again. Now you have the chance to see inside the minds of angry and controlling men—and change your life. In this groundbreaking book, a counselor who specializes in working with abusive men shows you how to improve, survive, or leave an abusive relationship. You will learn about:
· The early warning signs
· Ten abusive personality types
· The role of drugs and alcohol
· What you can fix, and what you can’t
· And how to get out of a relationship safely
- Sales Rank: #2671 in Books
- Size: Inquiries - by email
- Brand: Berkley Books
- Published on: 2003-09-02
- Released on: 2003-09-02
- Original language: English
- Number of items: 1
- Dimensions: 9.00" h x .90" w x 6.00" l, 1.01 pounds
- Binding: Paperback
- 432 pages
- Great product!
From Publishers Weekly
This fascinating investigation into what makes abusive men tick is alarming, but its candid handling of a difficult subject makes it a valuable resource for professionals and victims alike. Bancroft, the former codirector of Emerge, the nation's first program for abusive men, has specialized in domestic violence for 15 years, and his understanding of his subject and audience is apparent on every page. "One of the prevalent features of life with an angry or controlling partner is that he frequently tells you what you should think and tries to get you to doubt or devalue your own perceptions and beliefs," he writes. "I would not like to see your experience with this book re-create that unhealthy dynamic. So the top point to bear in mind as you read [this book] is to listen carefully to what I am saying, but always to think for yourself." He maintains this level of sensitivity and even empathy throughout discussions on the nature of abusive thinking, how abusive men manipulate their families and the legal system and whether or not they can ever be cured. Jargon-free analysis is frequently broken up by interesting first-person accounts and boxes that distill in-depth information into simple checklists. Bancroft's book promises to be a beacon of calm and sanity for many storm-tossed families.
Copyright 2002 Reed Business Information, Inc.
From Library Journal
Bancroft, a former codirector of Emerge, the first U.S. program for abusive men, and a 15-year veteran of work with abusive men, reminds readers that each year in this country, two to four million women are assaulted by their partners and that at least one out of three American women will be a victim of violence by a husband or boyfriend at some point in her life. His valuable resource covers early warning signs, ten abusive personality types, the abusive mentality, problems with getting help from the legal system, and the long, complex process of change. After dispelling 17 myths about abusive personalities, he sheds light on the origin of the abuser's values and beliefs, which he finds to be a better explanation of abusive behavior than reference to psychological problems. Bancroft extends his approach to problematic gay and lesbian relationships as well, making the book that much more useful and empowering. This is essential reading for those in the helping professions and highly recommended for all libraries, especially those in communities with emergency shelter programs. Dale Farris, Groves, TX
Copyright 2002 Cahners Business Information, Inc.
Review
“Bancroft has opened a window into the thinking of abusive men, and his book helps open a door out of abusive relationships.”—Gavin de Becker, New York Times bestselling author of The Gift of Fear and Fear Less
“Most books about abuse in relationships focus on women—how they’re hurt, why they stay. As important as these questions are, they can also distract us from the heart of the problem. Bancroft boldly asks—and brilliantly answers—the most important questions of all: Why do so many men abuse women? What can be done about it? This book is desperately needed and long overdue.”—Jackson Katz, creator of the award-winning video Tough Guise: Violence, Media and the Crisis in Masculinity
“This fascinating investigation into what makes abusive men tick is alarming but its candid handling of a difficult subject makes it a valuable resource for professionals and victims alike…Jargon-free analysis is frequently broken up by interesting first-person accounts and boxes that distill in-depth information into simple checklists. Bancroft’s book promises to be a beacon of calm for many storm-tossed families.”—Publishers Weekly
“Bancroft, a former codirector of Emerge, the first U.S. program for abusive men, and a 15-year veteran of work with abusive men, reminds readers that each year in this country, two to four million women are assaulted by their partners and that at least one out of three American women will be a victim of violence by a husband or boyfriend at some point in her life. His valuable resource covers early warning signs, ten abusive personality types, the abusive mentality, problems with getting help from the legal system, and the long, complex process of change…This is essential reading for those in the helping professions and highly recommended.”—Library Journal
Most helpful customer reviews
99 of 108 people found the following review helpful.
what a great book!
By Sammy Madison
The question "why did the person who claimed to love me so much attempt to destroy me" has led me to read and think a lot about the contents of hundreds of books. This is one of the best I have read. Lundy Bancroft gives a very simple and sensible answer: entitlement and lack of respect. The abuser feels entitled to a fantasy woman, who will gratefully smooth the way for him, providing him with a financial support, a clean, comfortable house, good food, unconditional emotional support, and a perfect, attractive, sex partner willing to do anything to please him. To obtain this, all he has to do is attract and court a woman who he fantasizes is going to make this happen. Saying the words "I love you" and a year or so of good behavior is a pretty cheap price to obtain a perfect servant for life. When the woman, who has no idea of his agenda, fails to live up to his fantasy, he concludes that he has been ripped off, that she has lied to him and failed him, and then he proceeds to try to destroy her. He may shove her, hit her, scream at her, or try to make her feel worthless or even insane. This is called devaluation. Lundy Bancroft lists the warning signs of a potentially abusive suitor, and a lot of misery would be eliminated if dating women were given this list to memorize. As well as explaining what motivates abusers, the book also reveals a lot about the methodical tactics of abuse that I did not find in many other books, particularly mind-boggling yet common tactics such as gaslighting the victim and alienating the victim from her friends and family through lies and manipulation. Abuse is not just physical violence. The chapter on how the abuser gets others such as the police and court officials to help in his abuse is simply horrifying. I would highly recommend this book to teens and women dating, women who feel that their partner is emotionally or physically abusing them, and therapists, police, and court personnel.
69 of 73 people found the following review helpful.
The most practical book about abuse on the market
By Mom of 3
I have read about 7 books about abuse, and this one is the best. The book is comprehensive, and is excellent at illustrating the uniqueness and personality traits of abusers and the wide range of tactics that they employ. This focus on abuse was helpful to me, because in other books I read that attempted to categorize abusive men, I had a hard time categorizing my psychologically abusive ex-husband, who didn't seem to fit neatly into any category that the author listed - which really frustrated me and planted seeds of doubt about my knowledge of abuse. This book made clear that abusive men don't necessarily neatly fit into categories, but draw from different categories and that each specializes in an area(s) of control particular to his own individual personality. This book does not go into great depth about why abusers do what they do - there are other authors who do explore that in great depth (Patricia Evans comes to mind). Mr. Bancroft's book is extremely practical. It does a great job of explaining how the legal system treats abusers, and what abused women need to be on the alert for, which is exremely useful, as most women end up leaving their abusers and having to deal with him legally. The book does a great job at making it clear that even experts in the field of psychology often don't understand abusers - that only the abused and people who specialize in working with abusers truly know how manipulative abusers are. And Mr. Bancroft does this without being arrogant -he talks about how he even he fell prey to their tactics in the early years of running his program. I think that the reviewers who have canned this book are likely abusive - they saw themselves in this book and are in denial. There are many books about abuse that use examples of abuse that are pretty minimal, borderline, trivial, real gray zones that we could all see ourselves slip into - and this book isn't one of those. The reason that so many reviewers say this book is male-bashing and point out that women abuse too, is because women abuse differently than do men. The kinds of abuse in this book are the kinds of abusive tactics that men employ. IF you want to read about the kinds of abusive tactics that women employ, read Dr. Laura's books.
75 of 80 people found the following review helpful.
This book hit the nail on the head...
By Susan C
During my marriage of 20+ years, I devoured uncountable marriage self-help books. Strangely, I couldn't figure out why NONE of these books seemed to cover the issues that I was having with my husband. Then I ordered this book and realized why. I didn't see these patterns as abuse since I had been raised around it and lived with it for so many years, I just thought they were typical problems people experience in marriage. I acknowledge that marriage takes a lot of work but after reading this book, I realized that 98% of it applied to my life experiences directly and hit the nail right on the head, over and over.
If fact, as I was reading this book, I would get mad and slam it down, because the abuse was as plain as day and yet, I couldn't see it. This book spelled it out for me and things couldn't have been any clearer.
During the month that I was reading this book, my husband was really on his toes, being a good boy. I didn't hide the fact that I was reading it. In fact, I would recommend things to him from the book for him to try to improve on areas of our relationship. But even though he was being on his best behavior, I KNEW it was a front and that things would go back the way they were. So 1 year ago this month, I left him and haven't look back since. I never realized a person can be SO happy and fulfilled, even while going through a divorce (I am like all smiles in the courthouse ~ amazing!).
Then I gave him the book and told him to find himself in it, and if he couldn't, then to realize that he's been living in denial all these years and needs professional help. Of course, he hasn't read it AND he won't get professional help. But I am on my way to a healthy and fulfilled life, without being abused any more.
This book made THE MAJOR difference over every book I had ever read. I was in shock at how true almost every single paragraph was to my life. Thank you SO MUCH for making this book! If you are even reading about this book, then deep inside you know in your heart that there is an issue that needs to be solved in your life. I encourage you to buy this book right away and let your eyes be opened. I was crying not because I was unhappy or abused, I was crying at how exactly truthful this book was to my life when NO OTHER BOOK relationship book even came close. I was crying at how could this intelligent, successful woman I am be so blind to what was going on in my life. Please get this book.
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